One. As passed down by modern psychology a very sad but common practice the church takes part in, that’s caused exponential harm, is by placing the responsibility of the broken marriage, on the spouse that’s willing to repair, rather than focusing on the unrepentant spouse, where it would be, obviously most beneficial. Not only is it not beneficial to the spouse that’s most in need of help, but it serves to reinforce any abuse they may be experiencing in a way that is detrimental. This detriment occurs in the form of a threat, potiental loss of their entire church community, for any one that may want to raise questions about such practices.
Two. The church often encourages the relationally functional spouse to “die to self” in its wrong context entirely. In it’s proper use, dying to self should always result in, more development of character and a deeper trust of the Lord, rather than what often results in more destruction, as self worth and dignity become eroded at now x2 the speed. When this term is misused it leads to more harm for the willing spouse, and serves the unrepentant spouse to become more emboldened in their destructive behavior as they’re obviously unrepentant, which is often the case. The destruction of one’s soul should serve as evidence of bad fruit. Because there’s a right way to die to self that doesn’t involve sacrificing what we’ve been called to steward rightly, for example, stewarding rightly, the lives of our children.
Three. The church often lacks an understanding around the importance of boundary setting. Encouraging women in hard marriages to act in a way that subverts God’s justice, implying that somehow marriage means God’s justice suggests passive enabling instead, is wild! Boundaries enable us to better love difficult people. They allow for protection where needed and right consequences where they’re due. Healthy boundaries serve to free up offended parties from being forced to metabolize the sin of their unrepentant partners in exponential ways, while also giving assurance to the survivor, helping them to know that they haven’t been abandoned by God. God is so good! He hates divorce because He hated abuse first.
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